Lately, I've been seeing a lot of pictures of my high school batchmates having kids, getting married, or teaching kids. I know this is supposed to make me feel real old, but nowadays, it's only got me thinking, 'jesus, what have I been doing with my life?' Why do I still feel like I'm still the same 14-year old in high school that has only grown less mature and more cynical over the years? And why is blogging this entry the only concrete way I could think of to respond to these feelings?
I really don't know if this is a result of being in the extended adolescence called med school, or if this is because I don't feel like an empowered adult because I can't drive. Maybe a big factor is the fact that I can't freely do what I want without consulting my parents? I love my life and I enjoy spending time with my family and friends, but lately some people have been making me feel like my life is too lame. And one such person who scoffed at my typical weekly schedule was considered by many people as LAME. Now that's saying a lot.
I'm supposed to be living my dream/doing what I've always wanted to do right now. I'm now closer than ever to getting that MD (fine..let's not forget that '-MBA') and finally roaming the halls with an anti-septic smell that I so love, not as a patient, but as a part of the healthcare industry. But this slow painful crawl to "the dream" is just too slow that I feel like I'm going nowhere. Will I ever feel independent once I get there? Once I start making decisions for myself AND for others? Only time can tell.
I guess this is why I've been pretty adamant in learning how to drive. I really meant it when I said it's not so much the actual driving that's important to me, but empowering myself to know that I CAN actually drive and take control of where I'm going.
I've always been a self-confessed Peter Pan in a sense that I always knew I would never forget the kid in me. I remember going to a photography class and having lunch with people I just met, and I couldn't help but laugh at myself for trying to carry-on with this adult-like conversation. [SIDE STORY: I also remember a guy in this class who practically scoffed at me when he saw that I had a post-paid number and asked, "hindi ikaw nagbabayad ng bill mo noh?" (translation in case someone else in another part of the world gets to read this: "I'm guessing you're not the one paying your phone bills?") and had this super smug look that said "I thought so" when I said my parents pay for it. What the fuck do you expect, I'm in med school, and as such, I am currently unemployed, so forgive me if the benefits of employment are very much delayed!] But even so... reality has no resemblance at all to Neverland, and at one point or another we feel like we have to grow up. Knowing that I only have 6 years left before turning 30 honestly scares me. The biological time bomb. (Now that's an entirely different topic altogether).
I really don't know what to say anymore.
All I can do now is think that things will turn out well for me in that span of time.
